Ashes
by Elna11
Summary: After the death of Kirk, Spock reflects upon some things. Please read! :)


**I had an urge to write something, and this is what happened. I apologize for it's lack of quality, I'm not sure where I was going with this? I hope you enjoy :)**

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Spock was always prepared for this; he knew that signing up for Starfleet would bring him into close contact with Humans; and Humans, no matter how healthy, distinguished or kind, would always naturally die before Vulcans. It was simply how it was. There was no reason to argue with that.

But when he signed up for Starfleet, he never expected to get so emotionally involved with someone; that was always illogical, and good never came out of it. Spock was always told this.  
James T. Kirk was the most illogical of all. Even in the brief periods of time where Spock was in higher command than him, Kirk would always ignore Spock's rational arguments against purposely putting himself in danger; even if Kirk was doing it for the 'greater good'. He had done, ever since the beginning. James T. Kirk didn't believe in no-win scenarios. Behind all the smarminess, flirting and danger, Kirk would always be looking out for his crew – these same morals even leading to his death once, already. And they had also saved Spock's life. Spock secretly admired – and even grew to love – him for these reasons. Kirk was willing to give up his life to help the people he cared about. There were few people in this world that Spock knew of that would offer this same selflessness – and this world had just lost one of them.

Spock wasn't even there when his best friend passed away. Something he regretted deeply, and cut him up inside. He was away on New Vulcan, with the people he ought to have given more of a thought to. Vulcans, who he should have cared about more than the one Human who was dying on a different planet. Besides, Vulcans were the endangered species, the one's that needed help, still recovering from the incident from so many years ago. That was the last time Spock had felt like this, after his mother died. Back then, Spock and Kirk weren't even friends. Hell, Spock had almost killed him; but oh, how the tables turned so quickly. Kirk had been the one person he had let his walls of stone down for; the one who he had confided in, and trusted with his life. The one he cared about; maybe even more so than his mother. Kirk was his t'hy'la; and he'd realised this much too late.

The hard, cold lines of the headstone marking Kirk's grave would never have done justice to honour the man that was now lying six feet under. Spock stood at the end of the grave. Just down the way was Bones'. He noticed that fresh flowers had been put on his grave too; maybe Uhura or Chekov maybe, had visited after Kirk's burial. It wouldn't be long until they left too. Spock couldn't recall the last proper time he spent with them. But now, Spock was on his own. Truly, on his own. He could physically feel the gap where Kirk was missing; if he concentrated, and retreated far enough into his own mind, Spock could almost hear the witty remarks, the hazardous suggestions, the silly jokes. All things he'd have to live without for the remainder of his life; and he had maybe a good hundred years left, if he kept going the way he did. The Spock that came from the alternate universe at the beginning of their relationship was right. This would be a friendship that would define them both. It was. But now it was over. Illogical as it was, he found himself running through what Kirk would say if he were here now, right now, or if they were both back on the Enterprise, circling the galaxy. He missed it. He missed Jim.

And in the end, what did it come down to? Spock being alone again; alone as he was when he was a child, constantly being taunted by others for him being an emotional half-Human. But now it was his mind taunting him. Taunting him for letting himself become so attached, so dependant. Because now Spock was on his own; and Spock didn't know what to do. Because he had loved James T. Kirk. He always will love James T. Kirk. The sun was leaving now; the dusty ground bathed in a deep golden glow. Spock vowed to never leave Kirk again. And he would fulfil that vow, even if it killed him.


End file.
